


The scary thing about having your body controlled

by quizkwatsh



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:26:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9479372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quizkwatsh/pseuds/quizkwatsh
Summary: Sometimes telling people about your past can be a comfort.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is set right after episode 3x05. TW for csa, see the end of the work for a more detailed warning.
> 
> basically this was written at night while i was being a mess about csa stuff, and then proofread and cleaned up afterwards.

The mission at the carnival had just successfully finished, the artefact was secured and the magician was gone. Which all meant that Ezekiel had nothing left to think about, to avoid thinking about how he was feeling.

He remembers not being in control of anything he was doing. Being half naked. The comment Eve had made. Or well it wasn’t the real Eve, but the other head had made the comment. It however felt just as disgusting as if she had made it.

He just wanted to go somewhere safe where no one could look at him or touch him. He wanted no one to even think about doing any of those things right now. He needed to stop thinking about all of this. This was ridiculous he was Ezekiel Jones and he was an adult and no one was going to hurt him. If they tried he could just leave. He wasn’t naïve enough anymore to stay while he was being hurt.

He was forcing himself to appear normal and okay, and like he wasn’t having trouble keeping his breathing calm. How he was acting as if Eve being in the same room as him wasn’t setting every single one of his nerves on edge. As if hearing her voice wasn’t enough to make him flinch right now. And he knew it was ridiculous, logically he knew that she wouldn’t hurt him. And he knew that it was an entirely different situation and that he was an adult now.

However despite knowing these things, he was still struggling not to get lost in the past. He was feeling so small and young again. As if he was back to when it was happening, and powerless to stop it again. 

He needed to talk about it. He needed to tell someone what he was feeling right now. He wanted them to know what had happened to him. Yet he knew he couldn’t tell them. This is not a thing you can just bring up randomly. It is not something that is part of normal conversation. It is not something people want to know.

\---

After a few minutes of talking everyone had ended up going back to what they usually did when nothing urgent was going on. Ezekiel didn’t want to be alone right now, even though he couldn’t tell his teammates for fear of them thinking he was overreacting, there was still a comfort in not being completely alone. Being around Eve was out of the question right now, because he was still anxious around her, even though he hated himself for feeling that way. Jenkins and Cassandra had headed of together to research something, and they would probably be talking a lot, which wasn’t something Ezekiel felt up for at the moment. So that only left him with Jake who was currently heading to the library to go sit somewhere quiet and read.

When Jake questioned what he was doing in this part of the library Ezekiel said “just checking out a book”, before going to sit in a chair close to Jake. It was not so close that they were directly next to each other, but it was close enough to look at the other or talk.

It appeared that Jake was quickly engrossed in the book he was reading, while Ezekiel wasn’t even bothering to pay any attention to the book. Instead he was thinking about the past. Remembering what it was like when he was a child.

When he was really young things had been okay. Sure he didn’t have many toys and sometimes kids laughed at him, and parents frowned at him, but he had some friends, and he loved school. He loved learning things. It didn’t get bad until he was seven and some new kid came to his school, the new boy quickly became popular and encouraged everyone else to make fun of him. Ezekiel’s friends left him behind and started making fun of him because of where he lived and what he looked like. It was the first time he had felt betrayed.

A lot of people seem to assume that his parents hadn’t been good parents. This was wrong. They were good people, but they were just very busy all the time with making sure they had enough money for rent and food. 

Ezekiel having been abused wasn’t his parents fault in any way. Instead it seemed like it was his own. He is the one who did the things that caused it to happen.

He started stealing shortly after losing all his friends. At first it was out of jealousy, and afterwards it was because it made him feel less empty and alone. Despite having no friends and being bullied a lot, Ezekiel still liked school, he didn’t like the other children, but he liked the teachers and he liked learning.

However that all changed the day a teacher caught him stealing. She had been his favourite teacher, she would always talk to him, and give him extra work that was actually interesting whenever he finished long before the rest of the class.

When she caught him stealing, she had told him that it was a very wrong thing to have done, but that she could keep it a secret just this once. However she expected things in return, and even though he made sure she never caught him stealing again, she didn’t stop touching him. He used to stay at school late every day, because his parents weren’t home until in the evenings. And before he had liked this, because it meant his teachers talking to him or letting him read books. After however he hated it, because it meant his teacher touching him, making him touch her and other things. He remembers how scared he felt, and how he just wanted it to stop and to stop feeling so gross all the time.

Sometimes he still woke up from nightmares remembering her hands and her body, and then he would always still feel her on his body. Nothing could prevent him from still getting those phantom feelings of hands everywhere.

It was getting harder to breathe. It was like he was back there again, like it was happening again. He tried to look around, to make sure he wouldn’t forget he wasn’t a child anymore. Whenever she would hurt him, he would always close his eyes, which would make her mad, but he was just so scared that it was instinct. He thinks he probably sometimes kept his eyes open to stop her from going mad, but he wouldn’t actually see her. He would focus on only looking at this red pencil basket that was standing on her desk. He would just stare at that until his entire vision would go fuzzy and it was like he wasn’t there anymore.

He could feel everything happening all over again.

“EZEKIEL! Hey, you need to breathe.” Someone was touching his arm. “just take some deep breathes, you are okay” He needs to get away from whoever is touching him. He needs to go away and he needs to breathe. He tries to push Jake away, who just holds onto his arm again, and continues telling him in a calm voice “Ezekiel you are hyperventilating, you need to take some slow deep breathes, do you understand?” Ezekiel tries pushing Jake away yet again and moves to curl up more into the chair he is sitting on, and Jake finally seems to get that he doesn’t want to be touched right now.

Jake sits on the floor next to Ezekiel’s chair while continuing to mumble reassurances. When Ezekiel becomes aware enough to realise what has just happened, he immediately feels embarrassed and anxious about Jake’s reaction. He looks over at Jake and tries to see whether he seems disgusted or annoyed. He seems upset, but not angry.

Jake asks “what was that all about?” Ezekiel isn’t sure whether to be honest or not. On one hand he really wants to tell someone about it, but at the same time the thought of anyone at the library knowing makes him feel sick with anxiety. He decides to hint at it, and if Jake reacts okay then he might tell him. He knows that sometimes telling someone can really help when it is feeling too overwhelming.

“Today’s mission just brought back some bad memories.” Ezekiel said quietly. 

“Oh okay, someone trying to capture us like that is definitely creepy. And the guy definitely had some creepy serial killers vibes going on” Jake seemed surprised.

“No it wasn’t that.” Ezekiel had started fiddling with his shirt and not meeting Jake’s eyes.

After a pause, Jake who looked confused asked “What was it then?”

“When we were turned into carnival employees, and I looked like that.” Ezekiel mumbled. Jake looked confused and waited for Ezekiel to continue talking. “I have said before that I don’t like it, when someone controls someone else’s body. It is scary and I don’t want anyone to do it ever again.” Ezekiel burst out.

Jake continued looking confused, and in a gentle voice said “uhm okay well it wasn’t that bad, he just made us do some annoying things, but nothing horrible and we were only there for a little while.”

“Yes but it wasn’t always just little annoying things! Before it was bad and horrible and I don’t want anything like that to ever happen again!”

“What do you mean before?”

Ezekiel didn’t say anything.

“Was this before you joined the library? Back at MI6?”

Ezekiel looked away and seemed close to tears.

“Hey, you can tell me what is wrong.”

“You don’t understand what I am saying”

“You are right I don’t understand, but I want to. Can you explain it a bit more?”

Ezekiel sighed “It wasn’t at MI6 or anything like that. I am talking about when I was a kid. And you probably wouldn’t even think it was a big deal.”

“It clearly is a big deal if you are this upset” Jake responded firmly

“It wasn’t like they really controlled my body like what happened today. But they just did stuff to it, and made it feel like it wasn’t mine.” Ezekiel said quietly.

“Who did that? Your parents?” Jake sounded angry.

“No.” There was a long pause before Ezekiel spoke again “It was a teacher. She used to be my favourite teacher, but one day she caught me stealing and… everything just got really bad”

“Did she hit you?” Jake asked suddenly seeming even more upset.

“No, nothing like that. She said she would keep it a secret, if I did something for her. And well I really didn’t like what I had to do. It was gross and disgusting and wrong and it kept happening and it was really horrible. I didn’t know how to stop her. And now I cannot stop thinking about it!”

“Ezekiel that is really messed up!” “You think I don’t know that.” Ezekiel said with a laugh, before continuing in anger “If you hate me for it, you are way worse than I thought!”

Jake stayed quiet for a long time before saying “I don’t hate you for it, and I didn’t mean that when I said it was messed up. I meant that it is really awful for her to have done that to you. Ezekiel I am so sorry that happened to you.”

Ezekiel stayed silent, and refused to look at Jake.

After it had been quiet for over a minute Jake asked “Do you want to talk about it?” Ezekiel responded immediately “I think that was enough talking about it for one night mate.”

“Okay ... uhm … is there anything you want me to do?” Jake stammered out.

“Can you just stay around? I don’t want to be alone or think about anything right now.” Ezekiel said quietly.

“How about we watch a movie? That might be a good distraction? Or we can just talk about anything if you want.” Jake suggested. “I’d like a movie. As long as it isn’t some weird thing with subtitles, I have had enough reading for one day.” Ezekiel responded.

“How about an action movie?”

\---

Things still hurt a lot right now, but he was safe in the library, and watching a fun movie he like with Jake, which definitely made everything better. There was something so comforting in knowing people care and don’t think badly of you for having been abused. It always felt like a weight had been lifted of his shoulders whenever it happened. There was something nice about people actually knowing things about your life.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic deals with Ezekiel having been sexually abused repeatedly, starting when he was around eight years old. Ezekiel has a flashback and hyperventilates. There is a bit of a description of his abuse while he is remembering it but nothing graphic I think (if you think it is graphic please let me know, I sometimes have a hard time judging that)
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated, but if your reply is that this is not how someone reacts to having been sexually abused then please don't, bc it is just going to make me reply that every csa survivor is different and this is not an uncommon way of reacting. If however you want to talk about reasons why you think Ezekiel would react in a different way then that is completely encouraged.


End file.
